just being honest | Sunbury Photographer

Last night I came home at 10:30pm, after being away from my children for two solid days, and couldn’t wait to put them all to bed. I was exhausted and just wanted everyone to go to bed. The entire time I was trying to get them all to bed, I was feeling guilty about the fact that I hadn’t spent any time with them in two days. On Monday I spent the day doing something very important for my mom, and am so grateful that I am in a situation to be able to help her during this time of need in her life. And then on Tuesday I worked my day job all day, picked up my kids, ran them through Burger King for dinner, and dropped them off somewhere else. I had a client meeting and had to leave them with a friend for the evening. So two solid days with sitters and no mommy time. Thanks goodness for an awesome sitter/friend and other great friends that are there for my children when I can’t be.

So here’s the thing. When I started my business I was in a different place in my life. I had a husband that was unemployed, and I was doing everything I could to build the business. Taking on every job I could possibly handle. I was trying to build a portfolio to be able to further grow my business. AND, my husband was home with our kids the entire time I was running all over taking pictures, and sitting at my computer till the wee hours of the morning editing, ordering, and corresponding. They were not with sitters all the time. I still felt mommy guilt, but not to the extent that I feel now.

Things are different now in our home. My husband is no longer unemployed, and his new job takes him out of town a lot. So I’m basically a single mom 5 days a week with 4 children, a full time job, and a part time job. Most days I can handle it all without too much trouble. But sometimes I have moments of realization like I did last night. Moments where I realize that my children are growing up without their mommy most days. I am missing out on their little lives. Missing out on all those memories that I can never get back.

I feel this strong urge to step back from things and regroup. I am feeling out of control and like my own family is no where near the top of my priority list right now. It’s my own fault. I am no good at work/life balance. I have no problem leaving my day job in the evening and completely forgetting about it after I walk out the door. Because my day job is not my dream job. It’s a job that is necessary for our family right now. But this photography gig is a different story. I LOVE it so much, I love creating, and I love being able to provide beautiful images to my clients, of their children & families. Because of this love, I am no good at finding a balance. A balance of getting to do what I love so much, and getting to create memories with and enjoy my own family. I think I need a life coach! :)

I share all these very personal thoughts to say I have no idea what all this means. Makes perfect since right? No seriously, I think it just means that I need to slow down and re-evaluate things. AND, that there may be a few changes in how we run our business during this crazy time of our lives.

I guess that’s the great thing about having your own business.

You can make changes when you need to.

I hope to make changes that will be a win win for both you and I.

These are the moments that I need more of!